


The Importance of Self-Control and Alpacas

by Rieru



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: I Don't Even Know, Multi, inspired by anarchetypal on tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-21 06:00:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4817765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rieru/pseuds/Rieru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a Heist goes Monumentally Wrong, Geoff wakes up to find an alpaca at the door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That is NOT a llama, Geoff.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, this was way longer than intended. This was inspired by an ask sent to anarchetypal on Tumblr, which involved alpacas. I then wondered what would happen if the Crew had one.

Okay so the first time it happens, the Crew wake up one day after a heist goes Monumentally Wrong (but somehow without any of them actually dying), and Geoff goes outside to pick up the paper (“Because some of us like to see our names in print, asshole”) and is just greeted by this big, brown alpaca.

And the thing is, Geoff swears he went straight to bed after the disaster the night before, without even drinking (it was that bad), and he’s “Pretty damn sure I didn’t order a bloody llama to my front door, Ryan”.

At this point Ryan, never too grumpy in the mornings ("And do you actually sleep anyway, Ryan?"), goes off on a mild rant about how it can’t be a llama, because “The neck’s not long enough, the fur’s wrong as well, this thing’s way too fluffy to be a llama. And look! It hasn’t even tried to spit at us yet, can we keep it Geoff?”

To which everyone en masse decides not to question why Ryan has such good knowledge about the subtle differences between llamas and alpacas. Gavin does chirp up with a “So it was you then, Ryan? You ordered this thing to our door?”

Ryan’s all mock offended though, like “No it couldn’t have been me, remember Geoff blocked my bank card last week for burning down the swimming pool?”  
“I still want to know how you did it, prick!”

“And besides, it seems much more like your sort of thing Gavin. Look, it’s even got the whole not-quite-sure-how-to-stand-up-without-tripping-over-myself thing going on!”

Ryan then has to duck, laughing, as Gavin throws Geoff’s expensive whiskey at him.

“Hey, assholes, knock it off! I don’t want to know why it’s here, I just want to know who the fuck got it here.”

Michael denies it on the grounds that “I never even liked animals, Gavin’s too much for me”, and Jack’s just… well, way too sensible to have ordered an alpaca to their door. And they’re all just agreeing that it must have been Ryan, being the only one with any sort of affinity with animals after all, when Ray barges in from his bedroom and shouts to high heaven.

“Holy shit, free shipping AND next day delivery!”


	2. The Naming

After much arguing, shouting, and smashing of glasses, Geoff had finally conceded that they were going to have to keep the damned alpaca. But when the conversation turned to naming it, he walked out without any word other than “Drink”.

Ryan went after him, more to stop him from blowing up half the city in a drunken stupor than anything. And Jack went after the both of them, because Ryan would probably only make it so three-quarters of the city was blown up instead.

Which left the Lads, sitting on the couches with a very bemused looking alpaca sat in front of them (“I’m telling you, that’s bemusement Michael! It’s completely non-plussed boi!” “GAVIN. It’s an ANIMAL. It cannot be bemused god DAMNIT.”)

It also left the Lads with the enviable task of naming the alpaca, and while they were all individually up to the task, it meant that they now had three, rather immature, egos trying to battle it out to name an animal that Ray bought on a high-induced whim.

Gavin was the first to come up with an idea.

“Barry. I want to call him Barry, like that geezer from the Chuckle Brothers who everyone’s saying died even though he didn’t. “To Me, To You”, best shit of my childhood I’m telling you.”

Michael almost knocked him out for that, because he’s “Had it up to here with all your made-up British bullshit I swear to God, Gavin”. Of course, his idea of calling him “Kirby” didn’t hold much water either, on account of the fact that the alpaca was not, in fact, a small, pink, round blob.

“I mean, you might as well call him Mr. Blobby if you’re gonna do that.”  
Michael really did knock Gavin out this time. By the time he’d woken up, Ray and Michael were arguing about how “No, we’re not calling him Naruto, Ray, that’s fucking ridiculous.”

By this point, the alpaca had started chewing the very expensive rug (though Ryan had remained extremely tight-lipped about where he’d got it, or even what type of animal it was from anyway).

In a rare flash of inspiration, Gavin blurted out “Look, we all want three different names right? Well, how about we just… mash it all together? Like… Narkirry or something?”

“Gavin… what the fuck did you even just say? Did you swallow a dick or something?”

Gavin threw a pillow at him, but Ray looked thoughtful.

“Fine, we’ll compromise. We’ll take a bit from each name and call him Barnaby. Settled.”

It took Gavin and Michael about three seconds before they lost their shit and started howling, but Ray was resolute (and had possibly had that all planned from the start). After all, like he said it was his alpaca, so the name stuck. When he got back (and sobered up), Geoff was only slightly exasperated when he got back, and the Lads only survived Ryan’s pissed-off-ness at the state of the rug because they hid behind Barnaby.

Jack meanwhile, had walked in, taken one last glance at the alpaca and the Lads, and decided they were going to have to “renovate” the neighbour’s plot of land so that the damn thing wouldn’t destroy everything in the house, because apparently while no-one else was going to mind having the alpaca wandering around, Jack highly doubted she could house-train it even if she tried.


End file.
